


No Spiders in Here

by accrues, Erya



Series: The Pudding Sagas [2]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag: s03e03 Mr & Mrs Mazikeen Smith, Feels, Gen, Pure Crack, dan goes to hawaii!, daniel esperanza means hope, daniel espinoza means thorns, lucifer is a good friend, never mind the bojack horseman reference, no puddings were harmed in the making of this fic, no spiders in here, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 00:24:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12399315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accrues/pseuds/accrues, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erya/pseuds/Erya
Summary: Some people show their gratitude to Dan in weird and wonderful ways.Pudding and spiders (oh, and Hawaii). Happy early Halloween.A cracky sequel to Grammaticus Satani that follows on from the end of 3x03 Mr & Mrs Mazikeen Smith (warning: spoilers!).





	No Spiders in Here

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](http://screencapped.net/tv/lucifer/albums/season3/303/scnet_lucifer3x03_0244.jpg) moment in the episode, and [this tweet](https://twitter.com/anatotitan/status/919376013704007681). 
> 
> My headcanon is that Dan started writing ‘Dan’ instead of any of the other options because of the events of Grammaticus Satani. Poor Dan. 
> 
> The end product doesn’t really have much to do with those links but it’s the thought that counts.

Dan reclines his seat happily. Hawaii had been _good_. He’d spent a lot of time reading by the pool, drinking maybe a little bit too much, and generally _not thinking_ about LA, his failed marriage, his broken relationship with Charlotte, the new lieutenant who hates him and, most of all, _Lucifer_. It had been a great two weeks.

Chloe had put Trixie on the line every second night, and he’d read her a bedtime story over Facetime until she fell asleep. He’d had done a lot of the tourist-y things; watching Maui dances, enjoying his shirts (they’re not ugly, okay? Just… seasonal), hiring a surfboard. That kind of thing.

He’d absently thought maybe he’d pick up, some whirlwind vacation fling with a girl from Alaska or something, but every time he’d gone to a bar, all he could think about was Charlotte and the way her eyes had looked when she’d asked who he was. And then he’d wind up at the back of the room, morosely staring at the wall and wondering why he thought vacationing alone in a place filled with couples and newlyweds was a good idea.

He shakes his head and puts down the copy of Dan Brown’s _Angels and Demons_ he’d picked up from the airport bookstore for the flight home. He’s been mournfully staring at the title page for the last five minutes.

‘Hello sir,’ a perky voice chirps from beside him, and he looks up hurriedly to see a redhaired air hostess, fully decked out in her crisp blue American Airlines airline uniform. Her teeth are almost offensively white, he notes distractedly. ‘Is there anything you need?’

‘Uh-’ he prevaricates then swallows. Lucifer had told him to enjoy being in First Class. ‘Whisky on the rocks?’

‘Man after my own heart.’ She grins and winks before sashaying off towards the galley. Her hips swing, and he can’t help but zero in on her perfect pert ass all wrapped up in a pencil skirt. God, he’s turning into _Lucifer_.

Speaking of…

-

_Two weeks previously..._

‘Maze!’

Dan watches as his daughter fling her arms around Maze in relief.

The precinct is a hive of activity around them as the little group crowds close around him and Maze.

Chloe is smiling slightly uncomfortably (probably at the sight of blood stains on Maze’s coat, right next to Trixie’s face, dammit) while Lucifer beams at Maze, something like relief in his eyes and the set of his shoulders.

Dan hovers awkwardly in his thin tropical shirt (he was meant to go to _Hawaii_ okay, not freaking Canada) feeling just a little bit ignored and left out.

After Trixie, Chloe gives Maze a quick hug. ‘Hey,’ she says lowly, ‘are you okay?’

Maze snorts, as ever the terrifying badass. Seriously, Dan just watched her kill like two bruisers all by herself like it was nothing but nobody’s asking if _Dan’s_ okay. (He is, but that’s not the point.)

‘‘Course, Decker, why wouldn’t I be?’ She flashes her perfect teeth in a way that always vaguely alarms Dan, but something seems - off.

She actually seems a bit more subdued than usual. Lucifer as well, come to think of it. For all his irritating voice practically boomed ‘Mazikeen’ in cheer, he seems - worried.

But then, realises Dan, Maze really could have died facing those goons. Maybe - God, hopefully maybe, Maze and Lucifer have finally realised that they shouldn’t be so goddamn reckless all the time. It’s not like they’re freaking bulletproof.

Chloe hugs him too and then there’s a ton of paperwork (which Maze and Lucifer are exactly no help with, big surprise). After way too many hours sorting out this crap - and grimly aware his flights and vacation are now nothing more than a well and truly missed pipedream, Dan grumpily zips up his hoodie to head home. Chloe’s having a ‘welcome back, glad you’re not dead’ party for Maze and he might as well drop by and grab a drink.

‘Daniel?’ Dan turns to see Lucifer loitering around his desk. ‘Hey man,’ he says tiredly. ‘What’s up?’ As Lucifer opens his mouth Dan cuts in. ‘Is it quick? Only I’m exhausted and my flight-’

‘Would be well and truly gone by now, yes, causing you to miss what sounded like a perfectly boring trip to sunnier climes.’

Dan glares. He’s tired, and sore and cold and still wearing his holiday shirt for a vacation he now needs to rearrange and won’t be able to get a refund for. ‘Yeah. Exactly. So if you don’t mind I think I’m gonna go get goddamn drunk, okay?’

He turns pointedly (not sulkily, okay, Dan doesn’t sulk) only for Lucifer’s voice to call out. ‘Well, if you truly want to. But wouldn’t it be a problem for your flight?’

‘Flight?’ Dan frowns. ‘Dude, Hawaii has well and truly passed me by. Unless someone’s built a bridge from here to Hawaii, I guess I’ll be vacationing here in LA.’

‘Well,’ says Lucifer dubiously, ‘The bridge sounds a tad time-consuming and probably a bit of an eyesore, but an Uber’s out the back. You’re booked on a First Class AA flight to Hawaii, Daniel.’ Dan just stares at him.

‘Oh no,’ Lucifer continues. ‘Don’t thank me, you might break something and we wouldn’t want that to happen, would we?’ He smiles unpleasantly.

At Dan’s startled stutter - half thanks, half confusion, Lucifer rolls his eyes and slaps tickets into Dan’s chest. His hand seems to linger briefly and his eyes even in the gloom of the precinct seem rather bright and unusually earnest. Then he smirks and the illusion is broken. ‘I know ‘fun’ is a foreign concept for you Daniel,’ he mocks cheerfully, ‘but do try to have some. Who knows, maybe you’ll actually lighten up. You’ve been even duller than usual since my Mum left for places unknown.’

‘What?’

‘Just go already,’ Maze rolls her eyes as she strolls up to perch way too sexily on his desk. ‘Seriously, you whine more than Trixie when Decker won’t let her eat Oreos.’

‘Oreos?’ A voice pipes up from behind Maze’s legs.

Yeah, that settles it. Chloe can deal with that argument. That, or Lucifer and Maze will procure an entire box of oreos and send Trixie on a sugar high. Either way, he’s not sticking around for the fallout.

‘What’s this about Oreos?’ Chloe joins their little group. ‘Hey, Dan- I thought you’d be gone by now. Lucifer said he fixed your flights for you.’

‘Yeah, I, uh, was just on my way out.’

‘Have a good time.’ She beams at him and leans over to peck at his cheek lightly.

He leaves, feeling warm on his cheek where Chloe kissed him and at the sound of his family and co-worke- yeah, okay, _friends_ \- bickering behind him.

-

‘Hello sir, here’s your drink. We’ll be landing in about five minutes, if there’s _anything_ else I can do for you before then?’ He blinks, abruptly ripped from his reverie.

The hostess - Gabriella, her name badge says, she speaks Spanish and Italian as well as English according to the cute little flags there - leans forward to place Dan’s drink on the armrest-come-table. She maybe doesn’t need to squeeze her breasts together using her biceps so that they flash appealingly mere inches away from his face, Dan thinks. He’s not _objecting_ , exactly.

‘Uh-’ he tries, but she cuts him off.

‘ _Anything_ ,’ she stresses, licking her lips, and Dan has to smother a full-body shiver.

‘I’m good,’ he assures her, glad that the thick novel had landed obligingly useful on his lap (especially since it wasn’t a particularly good read, Dan’s gone off the whole supernatural themes thing recently for some reason).

‘Alright,’ she drawls lightly. ‘Call if you _want me_ -’ the last two words are emphasised, and she winks. Wow. Dan hasn’t had this much attention since he was in college. Maybe when he’d been a beat cop the few years before he’d met Chloe. A few times with Charlotte maybe, during her “on again” moments. He’s trying not to think about that.

It’s good for his ego, but it puts him on edge for some reason. He sets a hand around the cool tumbler of whisky, thinking. God, the seats in First Class are really nice, and he has plenty of legroom. It’s gonna suck to go back to coach.

‘Hello sir.’

Dan frowns - hadn’t he just had this conversation? - and looks up. A very attractive - Dan can say attractive, it doesn’t make him _gay_ or anything - male attendant is smiling down at him, carefully styled dark hair brushing the forehead above bright brown eyes.

‘Is there anything _I_ can get you?’ The guy asks. What, are these people _tag_ teaming Dan now?

‘What? No! I’m uh, I’m good.’ He stutters a little, simultaneously kicking himself for it. ‘Thanks,’ he adds, weakly.

‘Hey,’ the guy says, smiling charmingly. ‘Don’t mention it. Please, you just feel free to hit my button _anytime_.’ And with that terrifying bit of what Dan sincerely hopes isn’t innuendo, he also sashays away.

‘What.’ Says Dan to no-one in particular. The whisky goes down quick and easy as he gulps it down to recover.

Seconds later - seriously what is _with_ these guys - Gabriella is back, holding a tub of- is that _pudding_?

‘This was left over from the couch meal service. I was just wondering if you’d like to eat it up. It’s just so-’ she pauses. ‘Delicious.’

Dan just stares.

‘It’s salted caramel chocolate mousse,’ she continues, swiping the tip of her tongue over her perfect teeth. ‘Perfect for-’ she rips the lid off the container, and licks a stripe up the lid, where a patch of mousse has stuck. ‘Licking,’ she finishes, and the container is set into Dan’s unresisting hand, along with a small silver spoon. ‘Enjoy,’ she purrs. She swipes up Dan’s empty tumbler, and is gone once more, striding away like she’s walking a catwalk rather than the aisle of an airplane.

The pudding is really good. It’s gone by the time they land, and so is Gabriella.

Dan tries to convince himself he’s relieved about that.

-

Dan heads to the precinct with a certain amount of reluctance. There’s something about the new lieutenant that makes every conversation Dan has with the man exceedingly awkward and rough. They’ve been on the wrong foot this whole time.

He sighs as he drops a few things on his desk. Chloe’s not in yet. Probably at a murder- he hadn’t gotten a call, but he’s been on the outside of cases for a while now.

‘ _Hello_ ,’ a smarmy British accent calls from somewhere immediately behind him. Lucifer. Of course. ‘How was your trip Daniel? Tell me everything- well no, don’t tell me everything, I don’t need any more details about your banal little existence, just skip to the good stuff.’ He grins salaciously down at Dan as Dan warily takes a sip of his coffee.

‘So how many delicious naked fun times did Little Daniel get to enjoy, and with whom?’

The coffee goes down the wrong pipe. Lucifer’s hand ‘helpfully’ comes down with way too much force on Dan’s back as he chokes, the dick.

‘Careful, Daniel,’ Lucifer chides before grinning obscenely. ‘Have _that_ good of a flight, did we?’

Dan frowns as he hastily swipes at his mouth with a tissues. Why does Lucifer go from talking about sex to American Airlines in the same- oh.

 _Oh_.

‘You did this,’ Dan spins on the spot, a finger lashing out to poke at Lucifer’s chest. ‘I could _kill_ you.’

‘What,’ Lucifer looks legitimately confused. ‘Was Gabriella not your fare? I rather enjoyed her, personally. Mm, that tongue. And dear Robert does things with his fingers that you won’t believe, why...’ he trails off at the look on Dan’s face. ‘Daniel?’ He seems puzzled. ‘What’s with the constipated little face? Surely you-’

‘You bribed the flight attendants to have sex with me?’ He can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as Lucifer handing him First Class American Airline tickets from LA to Hawaii return.

‘Oh certainly not,’ Lucifer asserts to Dan’s immediate relief.

‘No, I _paid_ some lovely entertainers to visit you. They enjoyed their little sojourn in Hawaii very much, from all accounts. I’ll show you some photos from their Facebook walls, if you’re interested. There are only a very few where Gabriella has her top on, and we can nix those.’ He brightens obliviously, ‘There’s even some adorable shots of your silly mug in repose from the flight over, look-’

Dan stares at him, appalled. He snatches the phone out of Lucifer’s hand and very deliberately does not look at the screen.

‘Wha- I don’t - _why_ would you do this?’ The ‘to me’ goes unsaid but very much in the forefront of Dan’s mind.

He doesn’t really know what to expect, though laughter and mockery seems to be on the top of the list, but to his surprise Lucifer looks honestly confused.

‘Why to repay you for your kind assistance, of course.’

What. ‘What ‘assistance’?’

Lucifer looks at Dan as though Dan were being deliberately obtuse. ‘With _Maze_. In Canada. Not that she needed it, of course,’ he laughs a bit too lightly. ‘But still, Maze assures you were a little bit useful in your own way - something about a snowball fight? - and,’ he hesitates, ‘I was, I suppose, a bit worried - not that I needed to be of course.’ He adds hastily. ‘So, I thought to myself, what does Daniel really need right now?’

And he beams at Dan as if that explained everything.

It doesn’t.

‘And you decided, a vacation?’ Prompts Dan in a tone of heart-felt hopefulness.

‘Well, yes,’ concedes Lucifer, ‘But mostly sex.’

God Dan hates him.

‘I don’t need _sex_ ,’ he blusters, way too loudly.

‘Good to know,’ a voice booms from the side. Lieutenant Goddamn Pierce is standing there, looking severe - does he _have_ any other expression? - arms crossed over his way too broad chest. ‘There’s a case. Call Decker, she’ll get you up to speed.’

Dan hates his life.

-

The break room is blessedly empty when Dan goes hunting - more ‘hiding from Lucifer, the Lieutenant, and his ex- _wife_ ’ than anything, but hunting nonetheless.

What he sees when he opens the refrigerator is something he never would have expected.

It’s full of pudding.

Not just one shelf, not even two, but every inch _packed_ with glorious tubs. He hesitates, unable to stop himself from looking covertly around, before reaching out and pulling one from the cache. The little sticky note on the lid says ‘Dan’s. Do not eat on pain of death. MS’. There’s a little skull and crossbone under the message.

Mazikeen Smith.

Maze.

 _Maze_ put pudding in the fridge? For _Dan_?

Oh god, they’re full of spiders, aren’t they. He flinches, the tub dropping from his hand.

It plops morosely to the floor, and the seal on the lid bursts on impact, spurting chocolate custard sadly onto the tile and Dan’s new shoes.

Shit.

Well, at least there’s no spiders.

He cautiously inches closer to the fridge, eyes bright in the reflected glow of the light.

Pudding. So much pudding. And all of it _his_.

Nearly salivating, he reaches out to take another one -

‘Esperanza, why is there pudding all over the floor? Get it cleaned up.’

Dammit.

-

‘Hey,’ Maze doesn’t look up from the drink she’s nursing, so Dan just shrugs and orders his own drink from the bartender. Is that guy new? Is that- oh god, that’s ‘Robert’, isn’t it? Dan flushes.

‘Did you put pudding in the precinct fridge?’

She shrugs one shoulder. ‘Maybe. What’s it to you?’

Dan stares at her. ‘Uh, they have my name on them?’

‘Yeah well, some of the ones you left there got eaten.’ She pauses. ‘I don’t know who ate them,’ she declares adamantly, finally looking up. Her eyes dare him to call her on it.

Yeah, he’s not going to call her on it. She’s freaking terrifying.

‘Uh,’ he flounders. ‘Thanks?’

‘Don’t mention it.’ She hesitates again and then pokes out the hand not curled around her drink. ‘Seriously. Don’t.’

‘O-kay,’ he attempts. The drink arrives, Robert giving Dan a flirtatious wink as he collects Dan’s payment, and Dan coughs in the empty silence.

‘Hey,’ Maze looks up again as if something had just occurred to her. ‘One of the tubs might have had spiders in it. I forget which one. I was playing with Trixie. Kids, y’know?’

And then she’s striding off, and Dan can only stare.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're waiting for BFF to update be ye not afraid, Erya's on the case, and I'm prodding her. (I'm pretty good to post but she gets ~nervous.) ~ accrues
> 
> Be very afraid. - Erya :P


End file.
